Where are all the candy sampling jobs?

There is nothing more stressful for me than the yearly search for a summer job. It's inevitable, but I prolong the scary process as long as possible by shoving the thoughts of applications, interviews, and resumes to the most dusty corners of my brain. Now, however, is the time when they begin creeping out and whispering sinister things like, "Time to go back to bagging tampons for minimum wage each day!" or, " Can you see yourself in the Burger King uniform? You'd look like a beached whale! But a pretty beached whale, don't worry!"
ummmmm..... yeah, no. Please. No.

What I wanna know, is where are all the candy sampling jobs? Or ice cream? Heck, I'd settle for cake at this point! Or, on the other hand, if someone wanted to pay me to go garage-saleing (Yes, in my book that is a legitimate verb!) I'd be pretty fantastic in that area too. My resume could read:

 -EXPERT CAKE, CANDY, AND ICE CREAM CONNOISSEUR!
-QUEEN OF THRIFT SHOPPING AND GARAGE SALES!
-WILLING TO SAMPLE SWEETS AND FIND TREASURES AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY!

Hello? That's a fantabulous resume right?!?!
Well, I thought so anyways....

I guess at the end of the day, I'll be thrilled to find any job, but if it's candy sampling, or Thrift Shopping my happiness will be complete.

Back to the real world. I have a paper to write, and a resume too. (Sigh) First world problems.